You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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