Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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