ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
