Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
