Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
