please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
