dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
