Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We have started to decorate penises.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
