you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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