you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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