i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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