I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
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