I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
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