I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
