he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
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