now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
