I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Plan B is the new Plan A
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
did i walk over a car last night?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
