I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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