Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
