just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
