Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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