my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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