I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
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