Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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