I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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