Fine. I'll sleep in my office
babies were throwing up all over the place
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
