i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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