im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
