There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
