My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
