I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
