Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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