Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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