I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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