Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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