youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
