i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
