How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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