I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize