guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
