i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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