I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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