U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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