Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
where am i from again
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
