I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
