atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
