dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
