Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
