on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
