I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
