omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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