Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
