not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
