so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
i've created a new STD.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Send help, water and tortillas.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
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