she peed on how many people?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
