omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
